That’s What They Call Me

  1. BED WETTER: I’ve PEED in more guys’ beds than I can count
  2. FURRY REPORTER: I once did a school presentation on FURRIES. The assignment was to do a presentation on a fashion subculture.
  3. I once got gum stuck on a man’s dick while blowing him and my friend walked in on me as I was trying to suck in off.
  4. IDIOTICALLY LOYAL: I remained friends with a man who STOLE MY LUGGAGE in Munich. And even when he TRIED TO HAVE SEX WITH ME with me while I was sleeping. And still after he STALKED me through Central America.
  5. A BEAR: A giant Workaholic’s BEAR COAT is my everyday jacket
  6. LOST: Last year I had 12 JOBS
  7. SLUT: I don’t know how many guys I’ve slept with
  8. YES, DEFINITELY A SLUT: I gave a HEAD right outside of the COLOSSEUM. And on an ABANDONED FIRE TRUCK with a guy that I’d met at a restaurant 20 minutes prior. Oh and in a carousel.
  9. GIRL ON THE WATCH LIST: I almost got THROWN OFF OF THE PLANE for PDA with a guy I met on the flight
  10. CRIPPLE: I once had sex with 2 stripppers with GIANT DICKS. Thank God it was 1 at a time. Is it appropriate to thank God for that? God- lookin’ out! Making sure that I was only in a wheelchair for a day, not a week.
  11. TUROPHOBIC: I’m AFRAID OF CHEESE. I don’t eat pizza. I don’t eat grilled cheese. I don’t even eat cream cheese or cheese steak. Nothing with the name “cheese.” Not vegan cheese. Not Cheetos. Nothing that is “cheese” goes in this body!
  12. CUM DUMPSTER: The only white and creamy things that I let go down my throat are ice-cream and CUM. Yoghurt, stay away. Same to you mayonnaise, ranch, al fredo, and whipped cream!
  13. DIRTY THIEF: I love sneaking into hotels for FREE BREAKFAST.
  14. When I was six, I used to clean up the playground rather than playing on it and read books exclusively about civil rights
  15. INSANE: I used to have IMAGINARY FRIENDS named Jason, Dave, and Sabrina Sweater. Jason was a girl. Dave lived under every man hole. I’d say “hi Dave” every time I passed 1 of those metal circles. And as for Sabrina Sweater, I made my Grandma drive around for an hour looking for her house.
  16. INSEST ENCOURAGER: I slept with a guy who SLEPT WITH HIS SISTER.
  17. BITCH: I broke up with an ex at a hostel in Barcelona. When I woke up, he was in Switzerland.
  18. MEAN GIRLS FANATIC: I lost HALF MY VIRGINITY to a fellow with a small penis
  19. INDECISIVE: I went to university for fashion design and then decided to become a ski bum. And then decided to stay in Vietnam and be an English teacher
  20. DORK: I used to have Harry Potter birthday parties every year
  21. A WOMAN BABY: I broke my foot on a RAZOR SCOOTER at the age of 21.
  22. SKETCHY: I once couchsurfed at a DRUG DEALER’S APARTMENT. His apartment was paid for by the German government because of his low legal income.
  23. A GELATO LOVER: I once had SEX ON A GELATO MACHINE while I was making gelato
  24. YES, STILL INSANE: I have a FAIRY GODMOTHER when I do MUSHROOMS. She’s sometimes a sassy lady, sometimes a purple hippo, and sometimes a yellow dinosaur.
  25. CHOCOLATE PUDDING: A one night stand woke me up my LICKING MY ASSHOLE. He’s now my friend who I call “Cookie Matt.”
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