Dirty Jesus

My friends from Tiger Hostel Matt and Mandy agreed to walk to Jesus with me. I heard that it was a small hike and since I enjoy hiking, I suggested it. Apparently the Jesus in San Juan Del Sur, Nicaragua is the second largest Jesus statue in the world.

the view from the Jesus hill


It was actually a pretty steep hill that we had to walk to to get there. Matt was quick and I only discovered that he had a broken ankle upon reaching Jesus.We were all hot sticky when we got down from Jesus and since we were on the beach, we decided to swim. Later that day I was invited to try and learn to surf but I still had some time to kill. We decided to create our own pub crawl.

“I was outside and heard your voice,” came Crazy Mac trudging into the bar. Ugh.

“Is that your stalker?” Whispered Matt in my ear. I nodded discretely. “You didn’t tell me he was like 50! That’s important!”

“I didn’t? I thought that I did!”

I introduced Crazy Mac to Matt and Mandy. He began talking to me about getting a discount for Sunday Funday. Apparently you get 1/2 off if you stay at Naked Tiger Hostel which is where I was staying. Crazy Mac said that he might switch to my hostel in order to get the discount.

“We’re gonna go back to the hostel,” said Mandy obviously trying to help me out. I said goodbye to Mac and left.

Brown out

“I’m scared to have sex with you,” I said to Matt, ass up with water dripping down my face. “I feel like you have such high expectations.” His dick was already bouncing against the exterior of my vagina.

“Why would you think that?”

“Because of your stories.”

“What? You’re super hot. I want to have sex with you.”

“No, I don’t want you to be disappointed.”

Brown out

My stomach was lifting. I was groaning. Water was grazing my lips and running into my eyes. I was blinded. Uh oh… No condom… Fuck it, too late. I wasn’t about to stop this.

After we cleaned up and headed downtown to the bars. Matt and I had a few drinks before we decided to wander. I wanted to hike to Jesus again. So we set off. We got pretty close, almost the whole way up the hill, when we found a nice mansion with an abundance of lawn chairs.

We climbed over the mansion’s fence and started fooling around on 1 chair, right by a window to the house. The only problem- I couldn’t get wet. I was turned on. It’s not a problem that I typically have. But I had been consuming hordes of alcohol since 11AM and hadn’t had too much water to rehydrate. Fucking desert vagina.

I wondered if I could break into the house to get water but I figured I better not. We chilled at the mansion for a bit and then headed back down the hill and onto the beach.

We were making our way back to the bars when we noticed a luxurious infinity pool right on the beach. We climbed over the infinity wall and leaped in. We were naked, penis in vagina, when we noticed a guard. I immediately put my bathing suit on and charged over to my purse. I threw it over the ledge of the infinitely pool.

The guard started speaking to us in Spanish. Matt was ready to bribe the guy. “Let’s just leave, I suggested.” We jumped over the infinity pool onto the beach and went back to the bars. No problem.

Matt grabbed us a cab but I saw a burger stand and decided that a patty of cow insides was exactly what I was missing in my life. I ordered 1 for Matt and 1 for me with no cheese or mayonnaise. Matt waited in the cab for me to fulfill my dreams. The burgers were almost done and… “No mayonnaise. No mayonnaise,” I said as I watched the evil burger lady shake bottle filled white the white and creamy devil and ever so slowly, slather it on my burger. She couldn’t be stopped! She completely ignored my pleads. My ground beef desires crushed by a woman who couldn’t be bothered by my stupid NY raised picky preferences. I asked Evil Burger Lady to remake my burger because I don’t like mayonnaise but instead she threw both burgers out! I went and apologized to Matt and asked if he wanted a burger still. He said that he was fine.

I ordered myself a burger from the stand beside the bitch lady’s stand. They put mayo on 1 side of the bun so I asked for the burger open faced. Fine. I was happy enough. We got in the cab, went back to Matt’s bed, had quiet dorm room sex, and fell asleep.

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