The Pervert Gang

“One time I woke up to some random guy kissing my asshole,” I chimed in for the 1st time. We were about 10 minutes into our trip from the Naked Tiger Hostel to the beach in San Juan Del Sur. 

The jeep crew turned to me and sighed with relieve. “It was good, eh,” said an Aussie fellow.

“No, asshole licking doesn’t make a good alarm clock, especially coming from some guy that I don’t even know.”

“I bet you would have liked it in a different context, a ginger girl who sounded American said smirking.

“I reckon if a girl wanted to put a finger in my asshole I’d take it,” said an American sounding guy in a raspy voice. Reckon? What Merica boy says reckon? Maybe he was Canadian? Some more perverted asshole talk ensued.

The American guy then followed with a story of how he’d broken a sink the night prior fucking some girl. One of the Aussie guys, Tom, confirmed. He had been there fucking the friend. 

I’m on the left

We had all properly bonded by the time that we approached the beach. 

1st thing 1st- I flung my dress off and ran into the ocean. I was excited to see waves! The Pacific Ocean certainly doesn’t look like an aquamarine stone the way that the Caribbean Ocean that I’d swam in a week ago did. But it was much more alive.

Dakota, the lumber sexual from Washington that worked at the Naked Tiger was already diving into the waves. He waved me over and we began talking about Acantenango, the volcano that I’d just hiked in Guatemala. And we discussed potentially trying to get his coworker to teach us to surf. 

Dakota asked me if I wanted to get a drink which sounded like a good idea so I got out of the water. Pretty soon I was playing King’s Cup with the “perverts” from the jeep.

“That girl’s such a beach babe,” said Mandy, the ginger girl who was apparently Canadian looking over at a thin blonde. 

“You wouldn’t think so if her hips left bruises on you,” replied the raspy American guy named Matt. “She’s too skinny.”

A minute later, the game was on pause so that we could all stare at the girl whose “fat ass” was parading around in a thong bikini. “I’d put her face in a pillow,” said Matt. “I’m picky. What do you call that?” He asked the Aussies.

“Butt-her-face,” I replied but apparently the Aussies have a different word for it.

Matt asked me if I wanted to play the questions game which was just a game where you go back and forth asking each other questions. I didn’t but I agreed. I definitely struggled to come up with questions on a whim. Apparently he and Mandy had played this morning and she had “done well.” Both he and Mandy wanted to use the game as a test to discover compatibility. Ugh, I felt like I was back in NYC at a bar where I just wanted to chat but everyone was trying to network.

But anyway, I discovered that Matt was color blind and could only see a few colors. His favorite cover was pink because it was easy for him to see. “And it’s the color of pussy,” he muttered under his breath.

“What?” I said playing dumb. I threw that comment back in his face later in the game. 

Matt threw in a couple of comments about how I was cool and beautiful and I had a feeling that despite his “being picky,” he wanted to sleep with me. 

The jeep gang all planned to go to sushi after the beach but by the time we arrived to Naked Tiger, most people were tired and just wanted to have a shower. I didn’t have my bag with me because I’m an idiot and made the drunken mistake of thinking that my backpack was at Naked Tiger when it was actually at the bar that I was at the night prior. I had to go downtown to retrieve it anyway before I could shower so I figured that I might as well head down there for sushi. Matt, Amy, and Bev joined me. Sushi was Amy’s suggestion. She’d been a few times prior.

All of the sushi on the menu had mayo which I don’t like so I had to request no mayonnaise. Matt gave me shit for being a New Yorker because New Yorkers always modify their food. It’s pretty true though. Then I went to lit to get my backpack. After sushi we headed back to the hostel where the jeep crew and I talked until about 1AM. When Matt still hadn’t made any move other than just flirting, I decided it was time that I head to bed. 


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