I Love Clean Sex & The Dirty Hippie Gods Can’t Convert Me

“Sabrina is crazy, she’ll do anything,” said my roommate, Meal, in an attempt to challenge some random guy that we were chatting with. The guy said that he was crazy too. Oh, perfect. I’m only on my first Jamo on the rocks and now I’m going to have to go do something crazy- fml.

The 3 of us contemplated something “crazy” that we could do over a couple more drinks at the Penny Farthing, the bar next to my apartment.pennypenny f

I suggested that we swim in the East River which was seemingly dirtier than the Hudson.

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I’d swam in the Hudson while kayaking a couple of times. We all agreed- east river it was. We headed to 1 more bar on the way first where Meal decided to back out.

I tried to persuade Meal to stay. I realized that she was trying to hook me up with this guy but I was feeling slightly vengeful for being seduced to swim in the East River as a result. Given, it was my idea but I had to save face.

Meal wasn’t having it and walked home. So the guy and I trudged on. We arrived to the park on the edge of the river and there was a homeless looking woman trying to bum a cigarette. Neither of us smoked so she left us alone.

I wanted to get it over with and my adrenaline was at its peak so I jumped right in. I could feel the slime squirm onto my skin. A plastic bag slid against my leg (the jellyfish of the East River.) The guy followed suit and stepped into the water. He looked reluctant but once he adjusted, he leaned his face towards mine and we started kissing.

“Is that a mattress?” I exclaimed. It was brushing up against me. I think that it was a sign from the dirty hippie gods. Maybe if I was all fucked up on hard drugs (which are not my thing) the disease infested mattress and radioactive water would have seemed like an enticing place to hook up. But considering I had 4 drinks that night, I felt entirely disgusted. The guy felt the exact same way.

We went back to his place, took a nice long shower, and had some clean, basic bro sex. After a couple of minutes he came inside a condom, washed his dick off, then patted himself on the back for a job well done. I gave him props as well because even though the sex was average at best and I was far from cumming, I hadn’t contracted any diseases.

Comment below and tell me about the grossest or scariest thing that you’ve ever done to save face

 

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